Destructive Release Read online
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I watch him say goodbye to Evan, promising to see him this afternoon and will play all evening.
As soon as the front door latch clicks shielding my heart from his destruction, Becca and I are on our feet moving. Sliding and slamming the cheap dresser drawers in Caine’s temporary room, I find a few of Evan’s possessions. His other blanket. The one Devon had to buy because I threw the other one away after finding out the bird I saved on the side of the road was infested with lice. I bring his blanket to my nose, wanting to feel a smidgen of closeness to Devon. It does not smell like him or home. Looking around, I confirm nothing here does.
“Sweet child, come along, snap out of it. We need to start moving.” Grandma Pain rubs my back, soothing me with her gentle tone helping me to proceed.
Becca then chimes in with her sincere motivational speech. “Fucking snap out of it and get your ass moving.” Got it. We finish gathering the items we want to take. Now dressed and fed, we begin to walk out the door toward Ryan and the waiting car identical to the one Frank drives in just under an hour. I never could have pulled this off without any of them. I am eternally grateful.
“You ready to put this Kidnacuddlisious into action?” the words spoken halt my walking while I ponder Becca’s invocation. She hands a bag to Ryan before turning back. Scrunching my eyebrows in utter confusion, I decide to ignore her. Yes, it is the best course of action. “What? It’s not like we are going to keep him locked up in the cellar for some sort of future use,” she dismisses as my eyes grow big. “Take a chill pill. Kidnacuddlisious is not kidnapping,” she pauses, looks around, “technically.” Shrugging, she continues. “It’s snatching someone to feed and give affection to. I think it is safe to say we are planning to do just that. Am I wrong?” She raises an eyebrow slightly masked behind her sunglasses. I debate whether she is out of her ever-loving mind. “You’re going to wind up with permanent concentration marks if you keep making those faces.” And with that, Becca has not only confused the hell out of me, and anyone listening, but has proceeded to move on and finish executing our plan.
Grandma Pain chuckles as she brushes past me to help Evan into the large black car. Rolling my eyes, I follow Becca inside.
I think my original idea of ‘ignorance is bliss when it comes to Becca’ is best. “Love, you need to see a doctor,” I advise, before she reaches further adulthood with irrevocable brain damage. I swear her IQ must be off the charts to remember useless crap and still get good grades in college. While proud of her pursuing her dreams, and so fortunate to have her as a best friend, I cannot help but wonder how someone comes up with these thoughts. Acknowledging only a true friend will go through all of this shit, I quickly turn the unsure thoughts into admiration. Becca’s the perfect mix of bitch and… well, she is a great bitch.
After situating the car, we are finally on our way. Fifteen minutes into the trip, Evan begins to fuss. I search for his blanket coming up empty. “Oh, no,” I stop and turn, “Grandma Pain, did you grab Evan’s blanket?” gasping I cringe at the possibility we left it.
“Evan’s blanket is in the trunk.” Becca quickly extinguishes my growing fear. The driver pulls onto the side of the winding road. Without waiting for the normal protocol, I throw open the door ignoring the warm sun rays and search of the softest fiber woven heap in question.
“I can’t go back,” I move insignificant items around the trunk with tears stinging. “I can’t,” Heaving a sigh I toss more bags around... I give up, covering my face with my hands, and search within for strength. I know we must remedy the missing blanket. Wiping the stream of tears, I stand tall and square my shoulders. One thing will comfort Evan and determination flies in my quest to retrieve it.
The driver parks the car as close to the guest housing door as he can. Hushed voices consume the atmosphere. Confidently, I step out and walk toward the door I never wanted to encounter again. A number of Hail Mary’s are spoken silently for strength, and if I am honest with myself, bloody guts, too. That is what it is going to take to pass the threshold again. And I do, quickly locating the single object able to make my little man the happiest boy on earth. My trail to the car begins. Eyes wide and nervous, my solace is interrupted as the sound of a vehicle approaches. Wearisomely, I look upward. The relief of finding only the neighbor does little to stop the charge of my heart. Fearful beads of sweat form on my forehead. Confronting Caine is the last thing I want right now. We are so close to freedom.
The content look on my Evan’s face is delighted satisfaction holding his blanket. Evan has transpired into Mr. Smiley again. My heart swells at his elaborate grin. I am sure it skips a beat each time I see it. Finally situated, the driver turns the car around beginning the long drive back to Maryland.
“Shit!” Becca cries under her breath.
“What?” I ask removing my eyes from Evan. “Oh, my God, NO! Keep moving. Please don’t stop, please.” I shout at the driver. My heart is coming out of my chest when my eyes meet Caine’s confused ones as we drive off again. He may not be able to see mine through the tinted pane, but he knows who it is. Turning my gaze down, I prevent witness to watching the disappointment in his eyes. What is wrong with me and why would I care? His attempt to take advantage of me last night, and might have been a success if it were not for me hurting him where it counts. I hope that the bastard will be impotent for real this time.
“What the hell is he doing back already, Lacey? What if he calls the police?” Becca has clearly lost her witty wisdom for a moment. Her drawn eyebrows do not conceal concern.
Sitting up straight, I proceed, “Becca, he’s my son, too. He can call the police for all I care. We are packed, we finally have Sweet Pea on his way home, and we are leaving. I don’t give a rat’s ass what the asshat wants,” I manage before confidence dwindles into shaking hands and legs. “And where the hell is my snarky bestie?” I hasten to reclaim some modesty.
“I know, I know.” She shakes her head with the dark curls swaying in return. “I let my guard down and thought we were free. He just creeps the hell out of me.” Becca gives a slight apologetic expression to Grandma Pain.
“Sweet Child, that boy needs to find out the correct and incorrect way to handle situations. I did not raise my grandson. My awful daughter is the reason he has turned out this way. Caine is not your concern right now,” she says, shaking her head in frustration. “I will be having words with him and my lawyer next week. He has gone too far this time, child. I want you to concentrate on this sweet thing and pray we find answers soon.” I give her a tight smile and allow myself to think about the ‘what ifs.’
What if Devon’s alive? I would do absolutely anything to ensure his return. My heart wants to believe it, but my head is frightened of learning differently. I do not know if I can take losing the hope I am holding onto so tightly.
“Becca?” I strain to get her attention without anyone else knowing. When her eyes meet mine, gratitude professes, “Thank you for everything.” The need to let her know how much I appreciate everything overwhelms me. At the same time, I pray she lets the other stuff, specifically what she walked in on in Caine’s room, go.
“Lacey, that is a conversation for some other day. I know exactly why you are thanking me. I do not accept your gratitude for that. However, you are welcome for helping you bring that cute little man home. As far as the other elephant,” she air quotes, “I cannot guarantee my prim and proper self on that subject matter. You may take me to an all-new level of classlessness. Trust me, I’ve taught Sailors how to curse, and after ten minutes, I’ll have someone wanting to rinse out their mouth.” I shake my head dismissing her pointed stare. If anyone knows how crazy-vulgar this girl can get, it is me. “Be ready, Lacey! Oh, and you have one pissed off sister to deal with, too.” She chuckles. “I guess I will take a great deal of satisfaction watching her unleash her fury on you.” Oh, no. I forgot I had to deal with Lane. I hope she will take pity on me and hold off on her pestering with the protective big sister crap.
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nbsp; Narrowing my eyes, I speak. “Some might say you aren’t intelligent if you need to use words like that.” I smirk. The instant her jaw clenches, I know I am in trouble. I love to rev her up, but now is not the time for this. “So, you’ll think about forgetting what went on last night with Caine?” I ask quietly so that Grandma Pain does not hear. I decided against telling her about that issue that is up Becca’s rear right now.
My eyes travel to Ryan where he is sitting up front with the company driver. I want to keep him out of all of this.
“Let’s stop worrying about that until we get home. It’s easy as pie to know the guy is as bold as brass to even attempt what he did with the two of us just down the hall.” She points to her and Grandma Pain. “I’ll grant you some time to think about what stupid excuse you’re going to give him for what he tried. However, for now, I do not want to talk about it. It’s not going to do us any good. You are here with Evan. He is as much your right and responsibility as dick heads. Crap. Sorry, Evan!” My eyes grow at her shameless crass words.
“What?” She shrugs unapologetically. “Auntie Becca’s teaching him early. I will make sure my Evan knows how to put someone in his or her place. You can bet on that, love.” Crap is right! “I’m now in a foul mood because of talking about that sperm donor. Change the subject, or I’m going to do some damage to your son’s virgin ears.” Oh, this elicits an exasperated laugh out of me.
“Virgin?” I ask with an eyebrow raised. There is nothing virginal about my son’s ears if Becca is around. “You know Evan’s already heard what your mouth is capable of articulating even if it’s all Greek to him.”
Deviously smiling, she elaborates. “My point precisely. It will be Auntie Becca who teaches him his street smarts.” Oh, for heaven’s sake. I roll my eyes. Shaking my head, I observe the plush green landscape of Maine. The rolling hills bestow an illusion of endless paths leading to the ends of the earth. As the queasiness sets in, I decide against watching the sights we are leaving behind.
I close my eyes and shake my head at her antics. She lacks a filter. “Even though you damaged my son’s ears, I love you. While I don’t condone speaking filthy around him, I know you are going to do whatever you desire regardless of my take on it. However, Evan is a year and a half, so could we exercise some discretion when talking about how we clearly feel when it comes to said douche bag in front of him?”
“You are absolutely no fun, and I don’t know why we can’t take in a little play. I’m the one who’s innocent as a lamb here, so get your panties out of a wad.” She bats her eyelashes, while I roll my eyes. “Oh, come on, love. You know I am trying to keep your mind off everything and stay positive. Devon will move heaven and earth for you. Please try to be a little easier on yourself.”
“Sorry, I’m just not in the mood.” Not trusting my voice, I decide not to say anything else. She glances up with knowing eyes to egg me on. Do I want to go down this path? So far, I have been able to keep myself together, but just thinking of it now is filling my eyes as the knot in my throat swells. “I miss him so much.” I confess. “Knowing I will never see him again hurts more than anything I’ve yet to endure. He is it. I am done. I will never put my heart out there again. It will be me and Evan. Devon was my soul mate, and I will forever be true to him. I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to move on.” Waves of exhaustion slump my shoulders.
“Lacey, that is not true,” obvious concern in her tone. “You can move on by raising Evan. And, if by chance you need to join the nunnery and have your va-jay-jay grow cobwebs, so be it.” Her cheeks rise. “I’m not going to tell you that I know how you feel, love, because I cannot imagine. Nevertheless, sweetie, you need time to heal. I already told you I know you and Devon would’ve been forever. I wish I could go back to that night at the club and tell you not to hesitate. Give the guy your phone number. You only live once. Oh. My. God! How cliché is that? I need to clean out my mouth!” Becca waves her hand in disgust. Her small figure sways battling her interior hysteria. With alarm written across my face, she reins in her theatrics. “Oh, sorry. I don’t know where the hell that came from. Anyway, what was I saying again? Oh, yes, then I wish I could go back and slap you in the face for not meeting him because you were pregnant. Granted, I understood at the time why you felt that way. I am fairly sure it’s only hindsight causing us to think like this. You did the right thing, love. It was Caine who savagely swept Evan up to Maine while you were trying to heal from the loss of your mom.” Her expression sobers comforting my raw emotions relentlessly fighting for release.
Seconds turn into minutes. Minutes seamlessly turn into hours. The sun descended at some point. Consumed with thought, most of the trip is a blur.
Arriving at the apartment, I am surprisingly void of emotions. I do not know how. I have been dreading this moment. That alluded void quickly dissipates as I near the large door separating me from the empty apartment. My stomach is ready to revolt. Fingers rest on the cool brass knob, but I cannot bring myself to turn it. It is so wrong for me to go in. I am not supposed to be here. Not without Devon.
“Lacey?” Ryan probes, but I hesitate even more trying to steady my breath. I have persuaded everyone to allow me to be alone tonight. We were a family. This was... no, this is our home. Our family, minus one, but it is still our home. My hands shake, realizing I am walking into our home for the first time without him. The last time he and I were here, he was alive, but at that time, I did not have Evan—no, he had been kidnapped. Now I have Evan but not Devon. The pain in my temples returns from the surplus of thoughts.
“Are you sure you want to do this? If you’ve changed your mind, you can stay with me,” Becca encourages from behind.
“No.” I shake my head knowing this is all wrong. The last few months have been hell. My blood thins, rushing to my feet as helplessness settles.
“Will you please call me if you need anything?” Becca whispers as she moves next to me wrapping an arm around my shoulder.
I nod as I look down at Evan, who is wiggling against the door as if that is going to open it. Perceptive to the fact that the time to stand here and pout is up, I reluctantly open the cocoon allowing Becca, Ryan, and Grandma Pain to enter with the items they helped carry. I asked the driver not to follow. Fewer people disrupting the apartment, the better it would be. One step. Another. I continually add steps. Perhaps I can do this.
“Sweet child, I can stick around if you’d like. It might be easier.” Grandma Pain tries to console me with her arms wrapped around my stiff body.
I shake my head, trying to wave their worries so that I can finally be alone with Evan. After ‘promising to call if I needed something,’ Ryan telling me he’ll ‘update me if he hears anything,’ and Becca giving me the ‘no bullshit’ look I finally close the door. Double checking each and every lock at least twice to ensure Evan and I are safe, I lean my forehead against the cool metal, I work aimlessly to keep myself together long enough to tuck Evan safe and sound in his own bed.
Dazed with grief, I walk Evan through his nightly routine. Muddling along, I climb into the full sized bed that houses rails on each side to keep his little frame from falling off. The bed that Devon insisted we purchase swallows him whole. I pull him into snuggle for a few minutes. His closeness soothes the ache I must come to terms with. “Goodnight, Sweet Pea, I love you,” I strain to say without losing what composure I still possess.
“Wuv ewe,” he returns melting my heart. My fingers run through his blond little curls, and I wonder how we are going to make it. How can I mend both of our hearts when it’s me who caused both losses?
“De De and Mama loves you, too,” I assure him closing my eyes and kissing the top of his head.
“De De?” he questions. Nice! The tightness in my chest grows larger. Why did I not stay quiet? How do I answer?
I take a calming breath. “I know you miss him, Sweet Pea. Mommy does, too.” I want to scream. “Mommy misses him so much.” I need to get up. I can’t pass
off all of the pain building within. I kiss him goodnight.
Stumbling into the family room on wobbly knees, my hand flies to my chest. My gripping fist pulls on my shirt as I crumble to the floor, and the levee breaks with no end in sight for controlling these tears. Bending over with my head in my hands, I allow myself to visit the painful loss of losing two loved ones—for being the very person responsible for losing them.
“Why? Oh, my God!” My fists ball while my eyes squeeze shut and my insides boil. “Why…” I drive my fists into the carpet. “Why did this happen?” My body begins to rock, “My, God, I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to cause this.” Sitting back on my heels, I continue. “Please take me and bring Mom and Devon back. They will be so much better for everyone here. Anyone can be a better role model and decision maker. I only cause hurt and pain. Please, God!” My pleading yells carry up toward the ceiling.
Piled in a heap of tears on the soft tan rug below me, I am unable to do anything but grieve for all of the losses. “Oh, God, please!” I cry unable to control the surge building. Leaning forward, my head falls to the floor where my hands cradle and the explosive waves are released.
Moments, however long, I sit up and stare at nothing in particular. “My sister does not deserve losing her mom because of me. Why couldn’t it have been Caine or my father?” Oh, dear God, no, I cannot say or think that! “Please, God, forgive me. I am so sorry. Can you not see I am dying a little more every day from the guilt? Why are you making me go on like this? I just want you to fix this.” I cry and bury my face in my hands again. “He wasn’t supposed to die!” I start bawling uncontrollably. “He and I were supposed to be forever. Why can you not just leave my loved ones alone? I truly love him with all my heart. I was supposed to get my mom help, but I did not.” I mumble incoherently, “This is all my fault and only mine.”